


In hope for a better time

by ladyystar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Azkaban, Letters, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), POV Regulus Black, Sirius Black & Regulus Black - Freeform, don’t read if you don’t wanna think about the tragedy of the marauders, it’s sad, prongsfoot - Freeform, seriously it is, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:13:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29108388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyystar/pseuds/ladyystar
Summary: Just a compilation of letters i think the marauders would write to each other after the tragedy of October 31th 1981.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!! So I wrote these letters for fun and decided to publish them here. I might write some more, so tell me if you’d like to read them. Enjoy!
> 
> TW: There’s mentions of death wishes and responses to trauma! Please be safe.<3

_To Sirius Black, from Remus Lupin. ___

__Black._ _

__I hate you  
I hate you  
I hate you  
I hate you  
I hate you  
I hate  
I_ _

__Fuck you. Honestly, what am I even doing? I’ve become so desperate I’m writing a letter that will never be sent. Guess that’ll help me vent._ _

__Did I tell you how much I hate you? I do. I do, I really do hate you. I hate you because you are the biggest fucking liar and because you destroyed everything good I’ve ever had in my life. I hate you because you are a disgusting traitor and because you got the people who always welcomed you with open arms killed. Most of all, I hate you because there’s still a part of me which can’t hate you. And I hate you for that._ _

__I have a question, though. Why? Why didn’t you kill me too? Did you want to punish me? Probably. You knew if I stayed alive I would go through all of this alone. You knew all of this would leave me in pieces. Are you really so cruel that you had to put me through this?_ _

__Everyday, I wish I died. I wish you had killed me. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up in the morning. Do you know how much this hurts? Waking up in the morning, I mean. It’s worse that a transformation. You really must’ve hated me a lot. Don’t worry, the feeling’s mutual._ _

__Was there even a real moment between us? Was it all a lie, or did you just change your mind during the war? I hope the latter. I don’t want to think that you would lie to us for 7 years straight. And anyway, war changes people I guess._ _

__I’d be better if you were dead. Grieving you would be one thing; I’d still have the good memories. But this. This is unbearable. There’s not one memory that isn’t contaminated. Every time I think of you, I think of how naive I was, of how you’ve been playing me all this time. Did I mention how much I hate you?_ _

__I hope you don’t die in that cell. I hope you spend the rest of your days alive, with the sole thought of what you did to us, to me. I hope it consumes you to the point you go mad._ _

__You destroyed me. I gave you my heart and you squished it and threw it away. I opened up to you and you used that against me the whole time. I’ve been vulnerable with you. No more of that anymore now._ _

__I can’t even look at the sky during the night now. When I look at the stars your face come to my mind, and I hate that. I’d rather turn every night than look at a starry sky. You ruined that for me, too._ _

__You also ruined the beach, and the motorcycles, and leatherjackets and dogs. You ruined me. You broke me and I don’t know how to recollect the pieces. If there are any pieces of me left, since I gave most of them to you._ _

__Sometimes I dream of coming to Azkaban and killing you myself. Then I realise if I had you in front of me right now, I wouldn’t be able to do it. That makes me hate myself even more. I don’t know if I hate you or myself more at this point._ _

__I wanted to throw all your things away. I wanted to rip everything you ever possessed apart like you did with everything I ever had. I didn’t._ _

__I don’t have the guts. I wonder how I ended up in gryffindor if I can’t even throw a leather jacket away._ _

__It’s all your fault. I am what you made me, and you made me a miserable, alone coward who doesn’t know what to do in life._ _

__It’s been 15 days and I haven’t showered. I’ve barely eaten, just the necessary to stay alive. I drank a lot. Not water, you could guess. The burning feeling in my stomach is the only thing that keeps me alive at the moment._ _

__I hate you. I think i mentioned that. I’ll never be tired of saying it. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you._ _

__Hope you burn in hell,  
with hatred,  
Remus._ _

__———_ _

___To Remus Lupin, from Sirius Black ____ _

____Dear Moony,  
where do I start?  
I’m sorry.  
I’m so fucking sorry._ _ _ _

____First of all, I’m sorry for even daring thinking you could be the spy. For thinking you could betray James and Lily. For thinking you could betray me.  
Of course you don’t know I thought you were the spy. You don’t know a lot of things, actually. You don’t know Peter was actually the secret keeper, because I didn’t tell you. Because I thought you were the spy.  
You don’t know I’m actually innocent. And it’s all my fault.  
Nothing can ever compare to the guilt I feel right now—not only for half being the reason of James and Lily’s deaths. _ _ _ _

____How could I?  
How could my mind be so blinded by fear that it could formulate such a thought? You, the best person I know, working with Voldemort? I must’ve been mad. I still am. War changes people._ _ _ _

____I miss you. I miss you so much.  
Sometimes I look at the sky and think that maybe you aren’t so distant, if we are looking at the same sky. Sometimes, when I hear the waves collide with rocks, I think of the afternoons we spent at the beach planning our futures. So much for that, huh?  
When it rains, I want to get up and dance. Dance like we did that time in front of the lake, do you remember? But I don’t have enough strength for that. And I don’t have you, either. Instead, I close my eyes and listen to the rain. It whispers sweet things to me. It reminds me of the taste of your lips, and your wet hair, and your bright smile.  
Fuck, I miss you a lot._ _ _ _

____I keep track of the full moon. When I see it in the sky, I talk to it. I think that maybe, maybe the wolf will hear me howling at its same moon, with its super hearing. I put my hopes in that._ _ _ _

____I know you hate me. I know it for sure.  
The thought is unbearable. When I think that if I appeared in front of you at any moment you would shout at me or even try to kill me—or bring me to the dementors—my heart breaks. It hurts to love you so much and only receive hate back._ _ _ _

____I also know I left you in pieces. I know you’ve lost everything that night—just like me. I’m so sorry for leaving you alone with nothing. I’ll never forgive myself for that._ _ _ _

____I hope your screams will turn into laughs someday. I hope your tears will turn into tears of joy, I hope that blazing smile of yours will widen on your face again. You will move on. You have to. You have to do it for Lily and James and Harry and even me. Even if right now you hate me. Well in that case move on in spite of me. Show me I didn’t break you. Do it for me, I beg you._ _ _ _

____I won’t say I hope you’re okay. I know you’re not. But you will be, eventually. You’ll be happy again. I just wish I could be the reason of it—even though I only brought you pain until now._ _ _ _

____I wish things had been different. But they weren’t, and now I’ll have to deal with it alone in a cell. Please keep hating me. Maybe I deserve it._ _ _ _

____I can’t see the sun anymore. Everything is so dark here. I wish I could. It would remind me of the look on your face whenever something made you happy. Whenever I made you happy._ _ _ _

____The only thing that keeps me alive is the hope that someday the stars will align and I will be able to kiss you again. The stars. What a beautiful thing, right? Poets talk about it a lot. They sing of the power and the beauty of stars. I am supposed to be a star, too._ _ _ _

____Sirius is the brightest star in the sky, you know that too. I shine for you up there.  
Even though I always felt like you were the real light. _ _ _ _

____No light for me here. No more you here._ _ _ _

____Enough of being cheesy now. I love you, okay? I love you. And I miss you. And half of me hopes that in all the hate you feel you find a piece of your heart still loving and missing me. The other part things I deserve all the hate._ _ _ _

____Please be okay. I’ll get by.  
Love,  
Padfoot._ _ _ _

____Ps: I hate dementors. The only thing that has the right to make me go mental it’s you. Thank you very much._ _ _ _

____———_ _ _ _

_____To James Potter, from Sirius Black ____ _ _ _

______Dear Prongs,  
I’m sorry.  
If you were here, you’d probably yell at me I have nothing to be sorry for. Then why do I feel like guilt is consuming me?_ _ _ _ _ _

______I should’ve been the secret keeper. I should’ve protected you with my life. I should’ve known it was Peter from the start, instead of even thinking it could be Remus. I should’ve been there for Harry, he should’ve grown up with me. Rather, he should’ve grown up with you. You and Lily deserved a life with your son more than I ever will.  
I guess I can’t cry over what’s done now._ _ _ _ _ _

______I miss you, Prongs. A world without James Potter is a world without colours. I remember thinking, when I first knew Voldemort was looking for you, how a world without James Potter could exist. It would be all grey and no fun, I thought. I guess I was right._ _ _ _ _ _

______It’s cold in this cell. I wish you were here to warm everything up, just like you did when you simply entered a room. You were the light in every circumstance, you were the shoulder people could cry on, you were the optimism, the laugh, the mischief, the good. You were the best person I’ve ever known._ _ _ _ _ _

______Why is it always the best people? Why is it the kind and welcoming one, instead of cruel ones?_ _ _ _ _ _

______I guess the sky only wants good people._ _ _ _ _ _

______Sometimes I think of the time we spent together. Memories come flooding in my mind and I cry and I cry and I cry._ _ _ _ _ _

______Do you remember when we thought we could conquer the world? I guess the world has conquered us now._ _ _ _ _ _

______My favorite memory is our first prank. Do you remember it, Prongs? Pranking the slytherins was always fun—especially Snivellus._ _ _ _ _ _

______I remember that dickhead telling me something about me being the black sheep of my family, and me getting upset and locking myself in the bathroom. I remember you whispering behind the door that it didn’t matter if my parents weren’t proud of me, because I was talented and good and you were proud of me. It was the first time I truly felt accepted and part of something. I think from that moment on, you became my family._ _ _ _ _ _

______I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts physically, someone stabbed me directly in my heart._ _ _ _ _ _

______When we meet again, I will hug you till your bones crush—if you even have bones. I will hug you like I never did before, because the many times I did, it wasn’t enough to compensate for how much I need you right now._ _ _ _ _ _

______You weren’t my best friend, James. You were my brother. You still are my brother. And I love you, and this is unbearable right now, but I’ll survive._ _ _ _ _ _

______I have to. For Remus. For Harry._ _ _ _ _ _

______Please don’t be mad at me because I couldn’t be there for Harry. Please, please, tell me you’re not mad._ _ _ _ _ _

______Look at me. I’m pathetic. Writing letters to ghosts and imploring they aren’t mad at me. Pathetic, yes, but it keeps me alive. It’s not like someone will ever know anyway._ _ _ _ _ _

______Please watch over me. Don’t leave my side, ever. Where one goes, the other already is—our motto. Don’t forget it, okay?_ _ _ _ _ _

______In the hope you are okay,  
your brother  
Padfoot._ _ _ _ _ _

______Ps: At least you died without wrinkles. My skin will suck when I die._ _ _ _ _ _

______———_ _ _ _ _ _

_______To Sirius Black, from Peter Pettigrew ____ _ _ _ _ _

________Dear Sirius,  
I don’t know where to start.  
I guess an apologise wouldn’t do it, would it?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I know that you hate me and you have the right to. What I did—it was the worst thing I could ever do. Believe me, I feel guilt eating me alive more and more everyday. I guess I deserve it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I won’t ask for compassion. I don’t deserve it either. Truth is that I am a coward, you know it, I’ve kinda always been. I got scared, and when people are scared they can do the worst things._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That isn’t an excuse, of course. Nothing is an excuse for what I did. I can’t even say I miss James, or you, or Remus, because I don’t deserve to miss any of you. You always were there for me, and look how I repaid you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________You have the right to hate me. You are in a cell right now because of me, and I am the reason your best friends got killed, so that’s fair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________If I was any less than a coward, I would at least come visit you. Well, I don’t know what I would do in that case, because you would probably try to kill me, but still. I would try to apologise, I guess? Not that it would do any good._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There are so many “ifs” running through my mind. What if there hadn’t been a war? What if we had been just kids instead of child soldiers? What if I had been a little braver, like you and James and Remus have always been? What if._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________What ifs do nothing good. If things are meant to happen, they happen. I was meant to be a foul git, and that’s what I became. I just wish I could’ve changed what you were meant to go through._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sometimes I think of Remus too. He doesn’t know the truth. God, how much must he be suffering? He’s convinced the love of his life is in prison for the murder of his best friends. He must be miserable. I don’t even get the right to feel sorry for him, since it’s my fault._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I’m sorry for ruining your life. I’m sorry for ruing our lives._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I’m sorry being who I am. I hate myself more than you hate me, trust me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I regret what I did. I really do. But what makes me loathe myself is the fact that I know if I could go back, I’d do it again. I’ve never been good at controlling fear. Why did I even get sorted into gryffindor anyway?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I guess it’s because it takes a big amount of courage to betray the only people who ever believed in you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Some days I cope with thinking of better times, when things were easier. When the thing we worried about the most was getting caught pranking someone, or getting detention on quidditch practice days. When we were the marauders, not soldier in a war or a broken group of people who hate each other._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________You know, now I live with The Weasleys—as a rat. They are a very welcoming family, and it makes me sad, because it reminds me of the Potters. I don’t have the right to feel sad._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________You know the twins Molly had? God, they are trouble makers. You would’ve liked them. They remind me of you and James._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________You and James. God, I’ve always been jealous of your friendship. It made me mad, because you two were so close and I was just there. Maybe that’s part of why I chose to do what I did. Revenge maybe? Showing you I was good without you? I don’t know. I am disgusting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Guess my animagus for fits me after all. God, that’s such a Sirius Black thought. I can hear your voice shouting how much of a rat I am. I guess you’re right._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Please keep hating me. I deserve it.  
I deserve every single amount of hatred you are giving to me. Keep doing it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________In hope a better time will come for you,  
Peter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________———_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________From Sirius Black, to Remus Lupin ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Dear Moony,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Don’t worry about me. I’m happy up here. I am with Prongs and Lily. We are waiting for you. We hope you come as late as possible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Please stop crying. I hate to see you cry and not being able to do anything about it. I hope you know I hold you everytime you are crying on your bed. Even if you can’t feel me, I’m there. Always was, always am, always will. Please move on. Please be happy. Do it for me. You’re strong. You can do it. Don’t worry about me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I’ll write our names in the stars._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________If you ever miss me, just look at the sky. You’ll find me here. The Sirius star._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Love,  
Padfoot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	2. Bonus Chapter: Regulus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this at midnight and cried. Enjoy<3
> 
> cw mention of death.

_1th March 1978 ___

__Dear Sirius,  
It’s me. It’s Regulus. _ _

__I don’t know if I’m even worthy to call myself your brother anymore, but I will anyway. I still consider you my brother. I never stopped._ _

__I think I realised something, when you went away and I knew you weren’t coming back. Something I should’ve realised a lot of time ago. Something very, very important._ _

__I realised that I would miss you. I realised that I cared about you, more than you’ll ever know. I realised that I cared about you more than I ever cared about anything our parents ever told us._ _

__I realised I would’ve thrown it all away for you, if only you would’ve wanted me in your life—which you didn’t, of course. It was predictable._ _

__I haven’t always been fair to you. I’ve been blinded by our parents flattery, by the fact they considered me deign, better. Better than you._ _

__I think I wanted to be better than you. I think I was jealous of you, ever since you started school, because you had new friends, and you were popular, and you had everything and you didn’t need me, and if I wasn’t in your life I wanted to ruin it instead. What a dick I was._ _

__Truth is I’ve never been better than you, and I never will. You are kind, loyal, talented, brilliant, but mostly, you are good. You are pure Sirius, and that’s something I will never be. And I’m ashamed of that._ _

__I wish things had been easier, for both of us;  
but especially for you. I wish you had a family that cared about you. I wish you knew _I _care about you the most, even though you’ll never know it, and you’ll never return it.___ _

____I wish I could live. I wish I could, but I know I can’t, and I know I don’t deserve it. Tonight is going to be my last night on this earth, I suppose._ _ _ _

____I know I’ve made the right decision. I think you’d be proud if you knew. But you will never know._ _ _ _

____I think dying without _you _knowing what I’m going to do is the worst part. I can cope with the world thinking I’m a little piece of shit who got himself killed because he was too weak, but you—you are a different story.___ _ _ _

______Making my family proud, that was always my goal in life. I guess I didn’t accomplish it._ _ _ _ _ _

______Our parents wouldn’t be proud of what I’m about to do. And, I repeat, you’ll never know it, so it’s the same._ _ _ _ _ _

______I regret a lot of things. I regret not trying to protect you from our mother and I regret fighting you instead of following you when I could._ _ _ _ _ _

______What I don’t regret is what I’m about to do now._ _ _ _ _ _

______I also don’t regret the time spent with you. The afternoons playing in the garden, hiding in the darkest corners of the house, when we were young and innocent, and even the fury of our parents didn’t affect us that much._ _ _ _ _ _

______Things changed, of course. But there’s one thing that will never change: the love I have for you._ _ _ _ _ _

______You are my brother, after all. My blood, my family, the only one who was there for me, the only one I should’ve been there for._ _ _ _ _ _

______I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for ruining our friendship. I’m sorry for disappointing you. I’m sorry for everything else that as ever hurt you. You don’t deserve any hurt in your life; just a lot of love. A big heart like yours should never be stabbed, or broken._ _ _ _ _ _

______I hope no one else stabs your heart. I hope you live a happy life, after the war. I hope you’re loved, you’re so loved you can feel it in your bones. I hope you can sense that somewhere in the sky there is someone who loves you like family, after I die._ _ _ _ _ _

______I hope for a better time for you and all the people whom you love. I hope one day you’ll look up at the stars, watch my star and think that you’re proud of me. I hope one day you’ll know._ _ _ _ _ _

______Even if you won’t._ _ _ _ _ _

______I have to go now. You probably will never receive this letter, but if you do—well, I love you brother._ _ _ _ _ _

______I might be a coward, but I know I’m doing the right thing now._ _ _ _ _ _

_______Love,  
your brother  
Regulus._ _ _ _ _


End file.
